Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A lady takes her parrot ...

A lady takes her parrot to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says,
"I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the woman, "How can you know that. You haven't
examined it or anything."
The Vet heaves a long-suffering sigh, places the parrot on the
examination table, opens the door and whistles. At this, a labrador dog
bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, sniffs at the parrot,
looks up and shakes its head sadly. Then the Vet gives another whistle
and a cat comes into the room, springs up onto the table, sniffs the
parrot and then shakes its head sadly.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mrs Jones but there can be no doubt about it.
Polly is dead."
"Well, it's devastating news but thank you. How much do I owe you?"
"That will be six hundred and forty two pounds please."
"How much?" cried the woman in shock. "That's far too much money!"
"Well it's your own fault," Said the Vet, "If you had believed me in the
first place it would only have been twenty pounds. But you insisted on
a Lab report and a Cat scan!"


A man entered a pet shop...

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The man asked about the next parrot on the perch."That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot."That one costs 2,000 dollars.""And what does that one do?" the man asked.The owner replied, "To be honest, I`ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"


As a guy takes his seat on an ...

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot`s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:"Get me another coke or I`ll really create a scene!"Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot`s approach. "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I`ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You`re pretty cheeky for a guy who can`t fly!"


The old Navy Chief finally ...

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He tookwith him his life-long pet parrot.First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, ?Reveille, Reveille. Up allhands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.?The old chief told the parrot, ?We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.?The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, ?If you keep this up, I`ll put you out in the chicken pen.?Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, ?By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don`tmean Khakis!?


A magician was working on a ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain`s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show."Look, it`s not the same hat!" "Look, he`s hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"The magician was furious but couldn`t do anything, it was the captain`s parrot after all.One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What`d you do with the boat?"